Contrast: integration post portal close and void thoughts/feelings

I feel really bad today. I feel like I’ve failed; nothing is going/happening. I am not following my own plans because they now feel forced & unnatural. Everything feels wrong and is not working. I’m not meeting my own expectations because my expectations were centered around human time and “supposed to” statements, rather than from the heart and soul. I feel horrible, and the whole week feels ruined now because I didn’t do what I was “supposed to” today. I wish I could blame this all on time because that feels like the problem here. I could also blame it on not having a car and not having all of my time free from jobs.

I’m so defeated right now, so maybe I’m not supposed to go outside today. I don’t just want to go through the motions; I actually want to feel good trying on clothes and taking my time without pressure and rushing. I want to be mad at myself, but I know this isn’t my fault. Something is happening, and I am confused. Many emotions are combining in me right now. Balance, start with the root and clean. Maybe everything is ok. I just feel really bad and out of order right now. Nothing feels right, and I feel lost and confused. This is what happens when I compromise from my original soul/heart-led plan and deviate from it. I need to be in my power, complete power over my path over myself. I need to be the one driving, or I’m not going. (Metaphorically not physically) I’m just so fucking upset.

I need help. I need people. Real people. I don’t even know what I need. All I know is that I need to be free. I was supposed to do something for myself today, and I failed. I’m so sorry, I never want to let you down. I love you. I didn’t go to the mall; it just doesn’t feel right, not like this. Why am I always being hauled just as I am about to shop for myself? Maybe someone is supposed to pay for me/shop for me. Stay ready and stay steady. I don’t feel either right now. Well, I know I’m ready; there are just things and illusions getting in my way. Get out of my way! I’m so tired of this bullshit. I just want to be the real me. I just want to be free. No one understands, and now even I’m struggling to understand.

What am I fighting? Myself? I’m getting in my own way every time I am not fully true/real/authentic/in my power. But to my defense, the real me is being limited by the physical and material bounds of money! I don’t care about money or logic, but apparently it’s necessary to be/do what I need to. (Freedom of time, financial freedom) So here I am grounded again. I don’t know if I’m delaying anything or if this is all a part of divine timing. I certainly need divine intervention, though, that’s for sure. JUST REST.

Please stop doubting your energy and flow, and your connection to the divine timing. If I were meant to go out shopping today, I would have, but my energy kept me in one place. I don’t understand, but at least I know it is for a purpose I don’t see yet. It doesn’t feel good to be “stagnant” like this, but it feels good to be doing what I’m meant to and not forcing. I feel so blank \right now like I’m in idol mode. Nothing is coming to my mind, no ideas, no nudges, no motivation, not even for things just to fill the space, just blank sitting and background noise. It’s like my brain is switched off. I didn’t do my laundry yet. I wish the bathroom/bathtub were clean so I could take a bath, but no. These 4 walls are making me squirly and making it hard to breathe. I can’t believe how difficult today actually was. To deviate from my own plan so much that I was energetically unable to go and end up sitting trying to rest, but I am restless. I hope and pray it gets better from here; it must. It feels like no one is coming to save me. It’s just me, and I don’t know what to do, so I am just sitting here waiting until I know what to do. I don’t want to always have to be the movement, the strong one. Nothing left to grasp onto. Just floating here waiting. Empty space only for good things now.

SUMMARY: I had to get this out of my system; that’s why it’s important to journal. There was a lesson to be learned from this; there always is when I am redirected. Taking a shower, talking to family, petting cats, and letting life meet me in this time of weariness all helped me make it through this fog (I still feel a bit foggy, by the way). I am so grateful for God and my family picking me up in small ways when I am having hard days like this. Sometimes we need reminders.